In your atmosphere

It's been about a year since I've flirted with the idea of moving to Los Angeles; which coincidentally parallels the amount of time I've been involved with Paulo. But if being with my boyfriend has taught me anything, it's that it is totally okay to think about your personal goals independent from a significant other. It is fine to not involve your partner in your life pursuits because there are just some things you need to do for yourself first. 

While my initial motive for moving out of San Diego was to close the distance of my relationship, these days a lot of my consideration is weighed on the opportunities a new city vibe would offer me. 

I'm aware that the tone of those past couple of statements could be read from a place of resentment. And while perhaps at one point in time (admittedly, not too long ago) I may have been stung by Paulo's present lack of purpose in our relationship, right now I'm honestly seeing the truth in it. 

I'd like to know how it feels to have a deep homesickness for the place that I've spent 22 years in. I'd like to know how it feels to be healed by a completely different environment and to feel transformed by a new atmosphere. I'd like to be unbounded by the expectations that have been set for me in San Diego as a college graduate where I am to land "that job" and get "that cash" and start "my life"... at least for a little while longer.  

  

My coworkers constantly tease me about wanting to move in with my boyfriend. They say I shouldn't even consider it until we've been together for at least five years, which is totally sound advice. Their disapproval of me moving to LA is partly due to the fact that they don't want to see me leave, partly because they don't want to see me commit an instant gratification life faux pas for some guy, and partly because they find the city of Los Angeles completely odious (I work with a lot of hipsters).

I always tell them that these days I'm eager to move out solely for the city. It has equal parts grit and glam. It has its faces of classic antiquity while still being on the up and up. It has the Lakers. It's a hotbed of burgeoning music and art. It's vivacious, yet encourages solitary living that fits my personality: where I'm busy doing my own thing among a bustling energy of people busy doing theirs. 

I tell my coworkers that my boyfriend isn't as much a factor as me wanting to be immersed in the "elsewhere". And these days I'm starting to believe it.